Spider Battle

Ok I’m sure you could go without hearing this story but I’m feeling inspired. I just got done chasing down the biggest spider I’ve ever seen in my life that wasn’t in a zoo. The body was the size of the end of my thumb. Its legs were long and skinny and spread out about the size of my hand. It was chilling out on the wall above the couch next to a carpet hanging. I had just come out of my office and when I saw it I just about ruined my drawers. Normally insects don’t phase me much, if they’re encroaching on my living space I just schwack em, dump em, and go about my business. There was a moment where I thought maybe I should try to capture him and turn him over to the spider authorities but with me being gimped up I wasn't sure I could pull it off safely. Besides this guy was so big I really had no idea of how I was going to get him. I knew I couldn’t just ignore him therefore I finally came back around to the only choice: he had to go (I’m assuming it was a ‘he’ because if it was a ‘she’ and ‘she’ put a nest in my house, I’m going to be very cross when they start hatching).

After staring him down for a few minutes and considering my options (especially with my limited mobility) I decided to tape a Tupperware lid to the end of one of my crutches to try to crush him. So now I was armed and ready for this thing to go down. I knew I had to be Kool & the Gang when I made my approach because I didn’t want him to get spooked. He was only a couple of feet from a very nice Persian rug that I had gotten in the Middle East and the last thing I wanted was to get spider guts on my nice rug. So I eased up with my Spidey-Whacker-2000 and called on my inner Chuck Norris. A quick poke out with the crutch and it was on. He fell off the wall, sped over towards my dining table, and took refuge on the wall behind a dining chair. He was really really fast. He was just below the drapes behind that chair but I still had a clear shot at him. The lid had fallen off, no biggie, I just gave him another whack with the end of the crutch. This just knocked him off the wall again and he scampered across the room and went under my booze bar. There wasn’t any way for me to get to him down there and I didn’t feel like waiting around for him to poke his head out. I have one of those cans of compressed air that you use to clean out computers so I shot several blasts under the bar to flush him out. He shot out from under the bar and started up the wall between my office and the sliding glass door that goes into my backyard. I have a box of garden trash bags that has been sitting next to the sliding door for eons waiting for me to put them out in the shed. The box has been opened so I stuck the crutch into the box, picked it up with the end of the crutch, and used it to annihilate the 8-legged jihadist. Victorious.

It was not a fun time. I‘m still really keyed up, that thing really freaked me out. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not a spider hater; outside we’re cool and I'm all about the circle of life. But in my personal space it's a health and hygiene issue and simply a matter of principle. Big spider in the house just ain't right.